The Black Diamond Decision

Few people know the thrill of true spontaneity. Few people can jump without looking at the ground below. Few people can live without looking too far behind or too far forward. Having never before made a big decision on a moment’s notice, I am not one of those few.

At least, I wasn’t until I started skiing.

Before skiing, I never realized how scared I was to be uncomfortable. I rationalized my fears to try new things in the name of safety, time, mood, parents. I had too many answers when asked “why not?” Consequently, I missed out on exciting places and unforgettable people. Even though I dreamed of moving far from home, even though I dreamed of being a soccer star or a singing sensation, I passed up opportunities to see how far I could really go.

Looking back, I wouldn’t have made it to the World Cup or American Idol even if I had pushed myself more. I wouldn’t be happy anywhere else as I am in Madison. Nevertheless, I see how different I feel when I don’t always say no.

Skiing was not the first time I started taking risks – coming to college in Madison was. But the sport does give me faith that this exciting lifestyle is here to stay. Challenges and risks are abundant in the skiing world, where one always makes decisions on a whim and never thinks too far ahead.

The first time I understood this was on my birthday, when I skied in Minnesota for the first time (www.aftonalps.com). At that point, I was still inexperienced so Afton was challenging. There were twice as many runs, it was twice as crowded, and it was twice as snowy. I spent most of the day on safe blue squares (intermediate), too afraid to challenge myself. The lift I used for my favorite blue run also served a black diamond run (most difficult). I’d pass the black wishing I could do it, trying to convince myself to be spontaneous. Every time, I talked myself out of it, saying I needed more practice. After skiing the run a dozen times, I got off the lift with the intention of skiing the blue once again. Instead, I asked myself “why not?” and before I let myself answer it, I made a sharp turn and started on the black diamond.

The run was hard. The trail was narrow, steep, bumpy, icy. I skidded and made jagged, messy turns. My heart raced and I was scared. But when I got to the bottom, I felt pure freedom for the first time. It was freedom from self-doubt, pessimism, anxiety, rationalization, disappointment.

These are exactly the thoughts that defined the person I used to be. And one of my biggest fears is that I will become that person once again. I’m scared of losing my confidence, of becoming depressed again, of not trying new things. The best way, maybe the only way, to combat these fears is to try what I’ve always stopped myself from doing before.

Now the opportunity to try something new has presented itself. In less than a week, I will interview to teach English in South Korea. In less than a month, I will sign a contract to go to the other side of the world for an entire year.

As I consider and reconsider, I go between excitement and absolute fear. I am scared of a culture and country I know little about, a place that is far from home. I am scared of being alone, missing my family and friends. I am even scared of missing the U.S.

It would be safe not to go. Much like the blue square fun, I could move along at a pleasant pace with a few pockets of excitement here and there. I could be creative, trying new ways to move on the hill, new ways to have fun close to home. No matter how I look at it, though, I would still be on the same hill, still in the same city. I would miss the chance to see the world, but more importantly, to see who I am and what I can do. While the fears I have are legitimate, they are not big enough to keep me from going.

It’s almost time to make the “black diamond decision.” Despite my fears, I know that going to Korea will be a thrill. I just better make the sharp turn for that path before I pass up the run of a lifetime.